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A woman’s Rage

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My vision

So many of my post have been about what stage I am at in the journey of divorce. I have talked about how that Divorce is not about loosing my spouse but it has been about finding me. I decided that what I needed to write about tonight is not just about my journey and where I am at right now but I needed to write my vision and why I have ever started this blog.

I am 30 years old. I have lived through some of the most horrifying experiences that you can even imagine at this point. I have learned that being a victim was a huge part of my journey in the beginning. There was such a huge payoff to me that I decided to stay in that place.  When I was 28 years old, I met a remarkable woman who facilitated a change in my life that could only have been the work of God. She mentored me and helped me to begin to think in a way that my mind could hardly conceive. It was because of her viewing me in the future and not looking at the mess I was in at that present time that I started to see a future for myself. I started making choices and within those choices came freedom.

Because of the journey that she walked in her life, she was able to touch my heart in a way that no other had ever been able to do. I began to grow. There cannot be growth without change. I heard someone once say that if it were not for change there would be no butterflies. I chose to soar instead of sitting desolate in my life and dying a slow death.

In everything that I have been through, I have lost almost everything that I have ever loved. Being the mother of a deceased child was probably the hardest trial I have ever had to face in my lifetime but it was out of my control and in the hands of the Almighty. They say that divorce is very similar to a death. The only thing is that this was a man who I loved more than life itself. To the point that I gave up my identity. The hard part was that I had to choose to let HIM go. I had to love myself enough to release from the hold of abuse, anger, and rage so that I could fly.

Women are often viewed as the weaker sex. So many of us tend to become victims to everyday life and we find ourself in a rut that we just can’t seem to get out of. My vision for this blog is to 1. give support to women who are going through a divorce but more so to aid in the facilitation of change. I want to facilitate the change and transition from dependent to independent.

Going through a divorce is not an easy task but it happens more often than not. The bad thing about this is that women who have made bad choices feel alone and yet the lesson of this is often overlooked. If there is no change there is no growth so the same mistakes are made again and this vicious cycle repeats. Hurting people hurt other people and I am guilty of this first class. I want other women to be able to not only learn from their mistakes but I hope that maybe someone will be able to learn from mine. This journey that I am on is not in Vain. Nothing that I have ever suffered through is not for a greater purpose and if my pain and my journey can save someone from enduring the same thing, then it was all worth it to me.

I want to be the voice for those who cannot speak for themselves. I want to be the example that is before you so that you can see first hand that strength is not just something that flows through the air and some catch it and some don’t. Strength is a choice. We don’t have to remain in the drama that surrounds our daily life because Drama occurs when decisions and choices are not being made.

I want to be able to help women work through their issues. I want to provide a skill set of being able to locate resources so that the path of divorce and independence will not be so hard. I want to give encouragement. I also hope to be able to provide business training and teaching these women not only the skillset to survive but also the skillset to succeed far beyond their own expectations.

There is a better tomorrow out there and I am determined to lead the way for all those who are willing to look inside their heart and make the changes necessary for their better tomorrow.

It was not meant for us to suffer through life alone. There is no I in team and the truth is that we cannot do this alone. Period. I have gone through many things alone in my life and I will do everything in my power to make sure that women all over the world will not have to suffer through this journey alone. This is my vision. This is my passion. This is my call.

Grenade

10 Years.

Today is the first day of 2011. It also marks the ten-year anniversary of the day that I married my soon to be EX. I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t think about that day today. I remember that night so well. Seems like it was just yesterday that I was giving away my heart to the one that I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with.

I think about the vows that we made. The heartache that we have faced together. Then on the counter side of that I think about what I can do to mark this day in time. I don’t want the rest of my New Year’s to be marked with tainted memories of a once love that is now nothing but pain.

Today I mark this as a new beginning for myself. I vow to honor and Love ME! When I am sick, I vow to take care of myself to the best of my ability and if I am unable to do so, then I vow to have people in my life that will guide me back to health. I vow that through better or worse, I will NOT condemn or blame myself but yet I will encourage myself to fight the hardest and work towards always doing my best because I deserve the best. I vow to cherish special moments with my children and to laugh when everyone else thinks that I should cry. I vow to smile when it hurts.

I vow to dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, and to speak the words that no one has ever heard. Till death come my way I will forever say that my true love is Only MYSELF!!!

So this New Year’s is a new beginning for myself  that I am going to fight for a better tomorrow and I have the joy of looking forward to so many more New Year’s to come because my life is now my own and today marks a new beginning for the winner who resides inside my soul.

Happy New Year’s everyone.

This Spells it Out

Loving ME

When you marry someone, you marry them because you love them. You want to spend the rest of your life with them. You speak your vows of for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. What does that really mean? So you stick beside them through it all. What happens when one person doesn’t fulfill the vows. What if your partner is not there for you.

When we love someone and we marry, we become ONE with that person. Our identities merge into ONE. There is no longer I  but WE. Everything is a joint venture. Finances, properties, children, Decisions, Responsibilities. All of it is not the both of you.

We have to come to a place of realizing that when we give that part of ourselves, women especially will give up their identity to try to make peace.  When you are giving  it all you got to make it work, you will allow the other party to win just so there can be a happy medium. The greatest advice that was ever given to me on my wedding day was to pick and choose your battles because some are not worth fighting for. I have often thought of that but what happens when you find yourself changing five thousand ways to make it work until one day you realize that you don’t even recognize who you are anymore.

Every decision depends on the approval of your partner. You tend to not be able to complete a thought without the approval or the input of your spouse. So now that he is gone, What NOW????

The beginning step in all of this is giving credit where credit is due. There is worth in YOU. Your first journey as a separated or single party is to realize that you are WORTH something even though your partner is no longer in the picture. You are strong because anyone who has the courage to embark on a journey of marriage definitely has the courage to stand alone.

You have to love yourself. There is no such thing as failure there is only LESSONS. This is a statement that you need to adopt and live by. There is no failure. You didn’t fail. I don’t care what the situation is. Whether you went out and slept with 50 men or whether he beat you near death daily, there is no failure yet only lessons. It is what you do with those priceless lessons that will matter because you are on your own journey now. If you do not LEARN the necessary traits and lessons, the cycle will repeat itself.

You have to start by loving you. Always always love yourself.

I am walking out this lesson as I write this. Loving myself is the hardest thing I have ever had to learn. Being abused as a child and abandoned, I never felt that I was worthy of being loved. If someone needed me then I could receive some sort of satisfaction because by helping them it gave me worth. That is why I married a man who could not think for himself. I felt that he needed me all the time and it gave me worth and self-appreciation because I was doing something with my life. Then I realized that I was doing something for his life not mine.

The greatest act of love that I have ever given myself, I am just starting the process right now. I am giving myself permission to achieve the greatest goal I have ever set. I am not doing it for anyone nor am I doing it for the changes in the lives of others that it can bring about. I am doing it for me because I KNOW I CAN. I am going back to school to get MY degree for ME!! This is my act of love for myself because I know that I am worthy of accomplishing something big.

Sometimes Loving you is simply giving yourself permission to experience what others have taken away. Loving you is realizing that you are your number one fan. The more you praise and love yourself, the more the crowd around you is going to join you in singing those praises.

So the first step in DivorcingME is to LOVE ME

Midnight, just turning Christmas day and all I can think about is why am I doing this. I want to hear his voice. I want to see him smile as our children open their Christmas gifts. I want to hear him cooking in the kitchen like he always did. I feel lost and alone and I am hurting.

I wish that I could just call him and hear his voice. I wish that I could just run to him and he step up to be the man who I always wanted him to be. Why couldn’t he protect me? Why couldn’t he man up to the responsibility? Why am I still caring about this man after all that he has done.

Self control is at work in me because I know that for the sake of my children that I cannot return. I used to believe for so long that it was for their sake that I was staying. Then after realizing that he had not only hurt and scarred my heart but he had hurt my children and they were screaming for help, that I had to do what I have done.

I feel alone right now and the season is here. I am hurting so deeply that my words cannot express to you what I feel. I love this man and I pray for him. I want him to grow to be the man and the father that these children need. I want him to receive the help that he needs so that our children won’t have to suffer the way that I did without a real father.

Wherever you are my once love, I wish you a Merry Christmas and I hope that you can change for yourself. I choose that though the pain is real and the loneliness stings so badly deep inside my heart, that I will walk to success and I will fight for a better tomorrow for my children and for myself. I deserve to be loved and taken care of whether it be by a man or whether I do it myself because either way, you have not killed me. I might be broken for a time but I will rise up. I will soar with the eagles for I am free.

This Christmas I give myself the gift of loving myself and pouring all I have into my children.